Has anyone experienced this? : Grief and Loss Forum - Psych forums

I have always known there was something wrong with me from the time I was a child. When I was about 10 or 11 years old, my mom took me to see a therapist. After about a half dozen sessions of me sitting there with my arms crossed and silent the entire time, my mom quit taking me. When I was 12, I lost my grandmother who meant more than life itself to me. My grandmother had mental health issues in her past and seemed to understand that there was something "different" about me, but genuinely loved me nonetheless. She took an interest in me, spent considerably more time with me than her other grandchildren, and took care of me. Her death marked a turning point in my life that has been a downhill roll over since.

My first suicide attempt was when I was 19. Like an idiot, I took about 2 handfuls of 800mg prescription Motrin which resulted in throwing up blood. That was the first of many hospitalizations to come. I was diagnosed then as being Bipolar which just seems to me to be a catchall diagnosis. I took medication for a period of time before giving up on the process. In 2002, I was formally diagnosed by a psychologist who took his time diagnosing me only after having seen me for a period of a few months. While I had at least some hope before for help to be received by being Bipolar, that changed once I got the BPD diagnosis.

Fast forward a few years and at 22 years of age, I became a mother. I was not prepared to be a mother or that the partner I was with would be as unsupportive as he was. When my daughter was 4 years old, I lost custody for the first time for more than a year. When she was 11, I lost custody again but I regained custody after about 4 months. In 2010, I lost custody again and eventually ended up with my daughter in a guardianship situation in which I have had very little time to see her. Two weeks ago, I attempted to contact the guardian to visit and I have not heard anything back. To say that I have been in a severe emotional tailspin ever since would be an understatement.

I've been through years and years of therapy and medication only to see no improvement in my condition. I've read everything I can about BPD hoping to get some sort of insight and find ways of coping. In early 2011, I tried committing suicide and very nearly succeeded. I took handfuls of anti anxiety medication, narcotic pain meds, and sleep meds. I woke up a week later, intibated, from a coma and in full liver failure. Apparently, I was shocked my the electric paddles from the paramedics to restart my heart. I was so angry at having woken up and I still am. Immediately after I left the hospital, my brother filed a restraining order against me which caused me to lose my home. Over the course of the year, I lost my fiance, several close friends, my albeit rocky relationship with my brother, 2 substantial car accidents, and most of the money I had saved. My aunt took me in and I have been living here since. Several months ago, my brother found out I was attending church and started going to the same one. One evening as he left, he told me he loved me. I felt anger and rage inside me, from his audacity to say he loved me. Someone who loved me would never have turned their back on me. I stuck with him through his lifes trials and he apparently refused to for me.

Ever since losing custody of my daughter permanently about 2 months ago, I've realized that absolutely everything in me has died. I hardly leave the house, rarely answer the phone, and try not to ever mention anything about how I am feeling because I have become sick to death of hearing "it will all be okay", "time heals all wounds", "turn to the Lord..." I feel more disconnected than ever from God and my faith and I was raised in church. I went from being an amazingly social person who volunteered, worked, went to school, etc. into absolutely nothing. My suicidal thoughts are constant and can overwhelm me at any moment, in the grocery store, driving, waking me in the middle of the night, etc. In some silly way, at least I felt whole before, but now I feel as if I am in a million little pieces ever so carefully being held together by a string. My health has declined significantly in the last year and a half. I wish every day that I was able to have ended it a year ago because living in such unbearable gut wrenching pain is not a way to live.

Source: http://www.psychforums.com/grief-loss/topic100036.html

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